Six. And facing fears.

This one turned six (SIX!) two Sundays ago.  I think six is a magic number because all the sudden he can do things now that he wasn't able to do before.  He'll start whining about something, stop mid-whine and then say, "Hey!  I'm six!  I can do that now!"  Apparently trying foods outside of his 5 favorites is on that list.  He's a big kid now!  Let's try some mac & cheese!  Yum!!  I love it!!  Can I have more, please?!!  (Of course the next time we had it he said it was disgusting.  Oh well.)  As his mother, I am trying to figure out where the time went and why my babies keeping getting so old on me.  It's not fair, I say.  Not fair.

I think six is going to be my least favorite birthday.  6 means they start to leave me.  They turn six and then they're off to kindergarten.  Not cool.  It's the beginning of the end.  Our little bubble has to suddenly expand and before I know it they'll be spending most of their time away from me.  ::tear::  Not cool.

***

So, I photographed a wedding last week.  I did.  I know I said I was done with all that, and trust me, for the two days following the event I was 100% certain that I would no way, no how let myself get roped into photographing one of those ever, EVER again.  It was hard.  It was so, so hard.  Every single one of my insecurities showcased themselves and nearly every one of my fears manifested.

(The following photos not from the wedding.  They are just making me happy right now.)

I completely froze with posing.  I missed shots that were no brainers.  My flash (for the love!) would not recycle fast enough and I missed oh so much.  I was nervous and worried and when the night was over I was completely sure I bombed.  Completely.

It was my worst nightmare come true, so I thought.  I figured I might as well toss the camera and be done with it.  Luckily, I now have a very good therapist (yes you heard me right) who can talk me down from my crazy.  She helped me understand that things aren't as bad I make them out to be.  It doesn't have to be an all or nothing type of deal.  I don't have to be the very best right now and if I choose to do it again, I learn from the past and do it better next time.  I know, common sense right?  But for whatever reason, my brain is wired to expect perfection right off the bat and if that doesn't happen, then might as well not do it.  It's ridiculous, I know, but so it is.

Anyway, my point is, I want to conquer this wedding thing.  I'm pretty sure of it.  I realized my fears of bombing a job by my standards and found out I can come out the other side with more clarity.  I don't have to throw in the towel.

Besides, why else do I keep saying yes or even talking people into letting me do it?  I must want it.  I must.