Drumroll........ Me!!
Two things you should know before I tell you how I managed to snag that honor. Number one: Emily is afraid of bugs. Number two: I sometimes break the law and let Emily stay in the car alone while I take Aidan (who is quite often the slowest moving child in the world) up three flights of stairs to his preschool class. Judge me if you will.
On Thursday last I let Emily stay in the car. After dropping the eldest off at preschool I went to the office to talk to Jen about some work related items. (Aidan goes to preschool where I got to work.) Ten minutes later I head out to the car expecting to find Emily up to some kind of mischief, instead I found her hysterical in her carseat, shaking with red splotchy cheeks and bloodshot eyes from all the crying she had accomplished.
My first thought was that I had left her just a tad too long alone and she thought I had forgotten her, which is not a typical mind set that she has, she's happy to be left to mischief making, but I couldn't think of anything else that might incite that degree of terror. I pulled her out of her seat and she wrapped her arms around me neck and her little legs around my waist and I'm sure if she had the strength she would have squeezed the life out of me. I hug her and kiss her and stroke her hair. I apologize a hundred times for being a miserable mother and eventually she tells me with a quivering lip and fresh stream of tears that there had been a bug. With white wings. I couldn't get from her if it had simply landed on her window or had gotten into the car while Aidan and I were getting out, but judging by her state of terror, I'm apt to assume the latter.
So I calmed her the best I could, allowed her to choose the music we listened to in the car (which she always wants to do and which I never let her do because there is only so much I can take of kid music) and we went home. I apologized the whole way home, checking her worried face in the rearview mirror every chance I could. My guilt could not have been worse, especially since at least twice during my powwow with Jen the thought came into my head that I needed to go get Emily. Bad Mommy.
Unfortunately it doesn't end there. She spent the afternoon with my mom. They went for a walk and apparently she became unhinged a few more times when a bug entered her comfort zone. And that's not all folks, no that's not all. There were nightmares. The poor dear was too afraid to close her eyes and she didn't nod off for good until about 3:00am, snuggled next to me in bed with hymns playing quietly from the iPod.
And still, that's not all. She is still afraid, as I imagine she will be for many years to come.
And there you have it. I'll think you'll agree. In all the ways I feel like I have already failed my children, I have never felt as bad I as I did in that moment that I realized I had let her down in a big way, that I hadn't protected her the way I'm supposed to and that I ignored promptings to care for my child.
I won that award. Fair and square.
4 comments:
Please don't beat yourself up over this.
My sweet sister-in-law! We've all done crappy things as moms!! I've done so many I've forgotten a lot of them or maybe I've just tucked them into a part of my brain labeled "bad mommy moments"!
Here's one of mine to make you feel a bit more normal. Raquel was only 2. We were hanging out at our friends house who have 5 kids. Their youngest was Raquel's age and they were the best of friends. Well, the adults got caught up in a game of Settlers I believe and we assumed the little girls were playing somewhere in the house together. They weren't.
When we finally looked up from our game and checked the house we realized they weren't there! This is where we launch into freak out mom mode! When we couldn't find them inside we ran outside where did I mention it was already dark?! And guess where we finally found them?
They had climbed into the car, locked the doors, and the other little girl had buckled Raquel into the carseat. Problem was, they couldn't get it unbuckled and Raquel had peed her pants waiting for us to figure out where they were.
They were outside in the dark, locked in a car, in a carseat, with Raquel wetting her pants, and crying and yelling for us while we played a game!!
I have also won mother of the year award!! I love you!! We are human and we make mistakes. It's never happened again so I must've learned something!
You know what? It's rather brave of you to post about your less-than-stellar mom moments. It makes me feel better about some of my mistakes, so thank you. You are not a terrible Mom, especially not if you learn something from it. Kids are very resilient and I highly doubt Emily will be scarred for life- she obviously still trusts you to keep her safe since it was your bed she landed in when she was too scared to sleep, and even if she's scared of bugs forever, she wouldn't be alone in that boat. Virtual hugs being sent your way.
Sis, no worries. You are an amazing mom. I do understand the bug thing tho.....
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