Skills

I have to apologize for how highly emotional I am right now. This has been a rough week for me since I haven't been able to rest as much as I need to so my preggo hormones are running high. Anyway, last night at dinner my dad was being grumpy and playing up his victim card, so I was already annoyed. Then my son was reaching for the napkins (which were in a holder thing) and I didn't want him to pull them all out, so I told him no and moved them away. He reached for them again, and I realized that he had dropped the napkin he had had on the floor (he likes to be clean and to clean), and I, being lazy, just got him another one. My dad said "You can't tell him no three times and then let him have it anyway!" to which I replied "I can change my mind if I want. Letting him have a napkin after I told him no is not going to ruin him." And then my mom said something that really surprised me, and this is the point of this blog. She said "Hey, she's doing a lot better job at parenting than we ever did." I think I'm the only one who caught it because my dad was talking over her, of course. But I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. It was like the clouds parting for a brief moment. All week I'd felt like a terrible mother. I had worked nearly all week and was exhausted from getting up early. My poor son was cranky all week. He'd be fine and happy in the mornings (while I was gone) and when he'd wake up from his afternoon nap he'd be mad at the world. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do with him. I knew he was bored. He was sick of his toys, of his books, of being in this house. He wanted to be outside or doing something new, but I just couldn't muster the energy. I burst into tears twice and one evening this week when everyone was gone I loaded Aidan in the car and we just took off for awhile. I didn't know what else to do. So when my mom said "She's doing a lot better job at parenting than we ever did," it just felt like a much needed pat on the back. A tender mercy from the Lord.

I want to become a confident person. I want to be a confident mother and have the ability to shed these ideas I have about myself that aren't always true and be able to see myself for what I really am. I have let the opinions of a few specific people shape the way I see myself instead allowing myself the room to just be and to be happy with that. My favorite scripture is Doctrine & Covenants 101:16 which says "All flesh is in mine hands; Be still and know that I am God." I quote whenever it's relevant but I haven't ever really let myself feel it and truly believe it. I want to be still and trust my Heavenly Father. And I know He's waiting for me to figure it out. I just hope it doesn't take too long.