Believe it or not, BOTH of my children are asleep right now. Yes, both of them. The little one is crashed out on the couch and the older one is dead asleep in his crib. Thank goodness. I don't expect it to last long, so I'm going to hopefully try to do this quickly.
I just wanted to talk about my baby boy for a minute. I knew that our relationship had to change when Emily came, I expected it, but that didn't really prepare me for the heartbreak of it. All the sudden this little boy is no longer the center of my universe. He has to share it. All the crying I did (mostly in secret) after Emily was born was over Aidan. The guilt I feel over uprooting Aidan's world was unbearable during those hormone induced baby blues days, and even now I get a little choked up just thinking about it. I completely lost it the day he completely lost it at seeing me in the rick-a-rock (aka rocking chair) with Emily. My mom had to physically remove him from the room and take him downstairs. His anguished shrieks of "My rick-a-rock!" were like daggers straight to my heart. Sitting there nursing my newborn I bawled over what felt like the loss of my son, for our relationship that had to change. I fear he hates me now, even though he's been more loving and affectionate as of late. I feel so bad that he doesn't get to have me all to himself and I find myself constantly telling him that I love him, just in case he thinks I don't. He's getting so big so fast. After bringing Emily home, it really was in the blink of an eye that Aidan suddenly seemed to take up more physical space, that his body seemed thicker and more substantial, not quite so soft around the edges. More like a boy than a baby and that breaks my heart, too. He's not my baby anymore. He's a kid. I think moms lie when they say they don't have a favorite. True, I can't accurately proclaim that I do, but Aidan will always have something that none of my other children will have. He was my first. He made me a mommy. He taught me about truly unconditional love. And so I grieve a little that our little universe has gotten a little bit more crowded. I love him. I lub him tons.
I just wanted to talk about my baby boy for a minute. I knew that our relationship had to change when Emily came, I expected it, but that didn't really prepare me for the heartbreak of it. All the sudden this little boy is no longer the center of my universe. He has to share it. All the crying I did (mostly in secret) after Emily was born was over Aidan. The guilt I feel over uprooting Aidan's world was unbearable during those hormone induced baby blues days, and even now I get a little choked up just thinking about it. I completely lost it the day he completely lost it at seeing me in the rick-a-rock (aka rocking chair) with Emily. My mom had to physically remove him from the room and take him downstairs. His anguished shrieks of "My rick-a-rock!" were like daggers straight to my heart. Sitting there nursing my newborn I bawled over what felt like the loss of my son, for our relationship that had to change. I fear he hates me now, even though he's been more loving and affectionate as of late. I feel so bad that he doesn't get to have me all to himself and I find myself constantly telling him that I love him, just in case he thinks I don't. He's getting so big so fast. After bringing Emily home, it really was in the blink of an eye that Aidan suddenly seemed to take up more physical space, that his body seemed thicker and more substantial, not quite so soft around the edges. More like a boy than a baby and that breaks my heart, too. He's not my baby anymore. He's a kid. I think moms lie when they say they don't have a favorite. True, I can't accurately proclaim that I do, but Aidan will always have something that none of my other children will have. He was my first. He made me a mommy. He taught me about truly unconditional love. And so I grieve a little that our little universe has gotten a little bit more crowded. I love him. I lub him tons.
4 comments:
In case anyone is wondering what Emily looks like...the black and white picture is Aidan. Stick a bow on the head of that baby and you have Emily.
It's got to be quite the adjustment for all of you. At least for the moment you have someone to take Aidan out of the room and distract him when he's freaking out.
Oh, gosh, I remember feeling EXACTLY this way. EXACTLY. It gets better, I promise.
I'm so glad to hear that, because it's still upsetting!
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