So it begins. For the next 7 months (at least) I'll be posting on the 23rd in honor of my upcoming 30th birthday. I've been thinking about what I want these posts to be about, to kind of get a game plan going so each 23rd doesn't sneak up on me and I find myself unprepared, and to be honest, I only have a vague idea. So we'll see how it goes.
I had kind of planned to write about all the moving I've done in my life and how it has made me feel like I don't have any roots. We lived in Salt Lake until I was 8, then moved to Park City where I lived until I graduated High School. I was too young to claim Salt Lake as home and my years in Park City were really hard. I struggled in most aspects of my life then, so that doesn't feel like home either. When people ask me where I from I say, "I lived in Salt Lake until I was 8 and then moved to Park City."
I had planned to write about that, but what I've already written just about says it all and that's not very interesting. I could go into detail about it all, but I'm hesitant to. Okay, so honestly, I want to write about the bad stuff. For some reason I want it known why, instead of being glum about turning 30, I'm so happy to leave it all behind. I feel like I've been getting ready for this and it's time for a final "See ya later, sucka!" to all this baggage that I've been keeping buried in my cranium all this time.
I'm nervous about doing that, though. First I'm nervous because I don't want to cross the lines of what is appropriate to share and what is not, but at the same time, I don't want be afraid to say what I want to. Maintaining that balance is going to be so very tricky. I just want to be heard and not dismissed. That's the other part. I'm going to warn you right now that if I decide to go in the direction that my heart is leading me with this, it's not going to be happy. It won't be all gloom and doom, but I'm worried you'll just want me to shut up, that I'll want myself to shut up because no one wants to hear it. At least thats how it feels. No one wants to read about gloomy things.
Already I feel like I'm whining and complaining and begging for your sympathy. Already I want to delete everything I've written so far (again) and put on the happy face and give you what I think you want, even though that's not very exciting or honest.
One of my resolutions this year is to be brave and that includes being brave enough to live my life for myself and to stop trying to live my life how I think others want me to live it. I want to be brave enough to do what I feel is right for me and for my family, regardless of how I might be judged or treated because of those choices.
I'm tired of feeling like a paper boat floating down the gutter with no means of steering itself, being forced to go and do what the water wishes. It's time to put a motor on this boat.
6 comments:
I think you should go for it. I will read it. I am a gloomy person too. Get it out there and then you can look at it from a different angle and move on. I have been there. Start making yourself happy. Nobody is going to do that for you.
OK, first, I loved leaving 29 behind. At first I was dreading 30 a bit, but I did some serious mental work and LOVED 30. I felt like an adult at 30, I started to treat myself like an adult, like I knew what I was talking about, equal to others, it was great. I think you'll love 30 too.
Here's the thing Annie. We don't have to read anything you write if we don't want to. Write what you want to write and if the rest of us don't like it we can skip that post.
There's something about having an audience that makes the writing more real and more therapeutic but I submit that the something has more to do with the putting it out there than it does with what anybody thinks about it once it's done.
I for one look forward to glimpsing the ghosts in your closet if you decide to let them out.
hey this is your blog, you can write whatever you please :) and ill love you for it either way!
I concur. That's the beauty of the blog--it's all yours. I love reading posts that are honest, whether they're gloomy or happy.
30 is awesome. You're no longer a stupid kid.
I second what Eva said. Besides, life's not all roses and rivers of chocolate, and I for one can't stop rolling my eyes when people try to present it as if it is. Go where your heart is leading you. There's a reason for it, if only your own catharsis.
Post a Comment